Getting Over Your Ex; How to

If you are like me, then you fall in love fast and face first. Which means the heartbreaks leave you in pieces. Heartbreaks feel like someone yanked your heart, slowly grating it and making fun of you, in front of their friends and your friends. It feels like a log on your chest and a stone on your back. I suppose this should be a how to fall in love with decorum article but I am yet to learn that. So, here is a heartbreak manual for suckers of love, if you are like me.

There is nothing wrong with you

Understand there is nothing wrong with you and are not to self-loathe over how you feel. It takes a lot of courage and bravery to fall in love without restricting yourself. My last heartbreak had me swearing I would never ever fall in love like that. I would guard my heart. I would be strategic with my love. I would never ever lower my guard. It is very okay to feel this. But, do not suppress yourself because someone took advantage of your heart, of you. We all make mistakes and the lesson here is you leave immediately the red flags appear, not closing your heart out entirely.

Support system

Call your friends or support system. I know you feel embarrassed and maybe ashamed because some of them might have forewarned you but still, talk to them. Sometimes, my legs feel numb when the pain hits the right spot. Unable to function, I have found having a friend around helps. (Is this a safe space?) I have booked therapy sessions to discuss a heartbreak. Having a certified therapist walk me through the steps made the process easier. However, what started as getting over my ex turned to self-worth, and self-acceptance sessions, which brings me to my next point.

Make better decisions next time

Miss, when you let red flags look pink, what do you expect? I know people switch up and that is not your fault. But, not leaving when they switch up is your fault. Your self-concept plays a huge role in how you face love and how you recover from it. As I mentioned, there is nothing wrong with falling completely in love. But being a certified lover does not exempt you from choosing better people. You see, when your self-worth is low, you will reject or sabotage healthy loving relationships. When you do not accept every part of you, you will fall in love with people who mirror this. Until you love, accept and care for yourself you will keep manifesting lukewarm love. You are deserving of more.

We wish we had a trailer into people’s lives that way we know what we are getting ourselves into. To that, I say, we do. People can lie and pretend to be someone they are not, but at the end of the day they do show us who they are, and it slips out. All you have to do is see and acknowledge it, hard as it may be. For example, if you want someone to fall in love with, notice their pattern. I know, I know, they might lie, but check how they love themselves, people do not have the ability to lie to themselves. Surely, someone who denies themselves ease will give you the soft love you wish for. Someone who tells you love should be strategic will not give you the fairy tale you so badly want.

Express what you feel

If you have a hard time verbalizing your pain, write about it. I create time to write what I feel. Using prompts even when you are not a writer helps, below are some of the journal prompts I use:

–              Write a letter to your ex expressing anything you wish you had said

–              Write a list of things you liked about them. Highlight the characters you have.

–              Write a list of things you hate about them.

–              Vividly describe what you feel. Where does it hurt, what part of your body feels heavy etc.

–              Write a letter to yourself on all the things you would love to hear at that moment.

 Talking also helps. Call a friend and rant, I promise they weren’t joking when they said A problem shared is a problem half solved. What is not okay, is not checking in with them first. Your heartbreak should not excuse basic manners.

There is no one cure-for-all to heartbreaks. One heartbreak had me in the gym, another one had me writing poetry and another in therapy. The only way not to heal is by embarrassing yourself by not moving on when you really have to.

It takes a brave heart to heal, and fall in love – completely. Do not be strategic with love, soon you will find a certified lover. May you find the courage to fall in love again., and again. Heal and find love.

 Heartbreak si mwisho wa dunia! I promise

If your friend has been there for you during one of your heartbreaks, here’s a list of gifts you should get them.